The majesty. The splendor.

There are no jokes to be made here. All I will say is that despite my best efforts, it is impossible to translate the feeling of walking around the immaculate lawn that is Augusta National. Stunning is an overused word, but for one of the few times in my life, it actually felt applicable.

Inside these walls...

Simple across-the-board elitism is not enough for Augusta National. Instead, the club chooses to segregate the patrons into even further levels of high society. Hence, the badge system. If you have a blue badge, you get a certain level of access. If you have a black badge, you have a higher level of access. And on and on it goes.
Being a member of the lowest rung on the totem pole that is the Augusta National caste system, this is the closes I could get to the world's most famous clubhouse . Thus, I am forced to speculate as to what lies on the inside.
Until proven otherwise, I will assume that the entire place is filled with styrofoam popcorn. Why does my mind wander to packing materials? It just feels right.

The cruelty of Magnolia Lane

This is the majestic Magnolia Lane. Where I am standing with the camera is within the hallowed ground of Augusta National, just in front of the clubhouse. Us mere mortals not competing in the tournament are not allowed onto Magnolia Lane itself, but we are allowed to peer down it onto Washington Road to mock all the people outside that couldn't get tickets.
The first thing everyone notices when they enter Augusta National is the sheer discrepancy in beauty between the golf club and the town itself. To say the city of Augusta is a total dump is an understatement — think flea markets, tacky, rotting houses and white trash. The fact that such an exclusive club is housed there seems to be one gigantic karmic joke.

The view from Augusta

After 10-plus years on the waiting list, Hootie Johnson & Friends finally accepted my application to attend The Masters. I think it was the letter of recommendation from David Duke that put me over the top.
As you can see, I got pretty close to one Eldrick Woods. In fact, this exact moment was captured for all of eternity (unbeknownst to me at the time) by the ESPN cameras. I turned on SportsCenter the following day to see the following scene:

Tiger approaches the tee on No. 10
Some goofy-looking schmo on the ropeline sticks a digital camera uncomfortably close to Tiger's face, then turns and displays an exagerrated, toothy, awkward smile to the person next to him — the kind of smirking smile that combines the pure joy of a six-year old at a Hannah Montana concert with the triumphant satisfaction of a post-coital pedophile. What a tool, I think.
Slowly, it hits me... with help from a Tivo replay
Oh my lord, I am that tool!
Debates whether or not to tell friends. Involves weighing the pros of exposure and a temporary, albeit small, sense of fame with the con of complete and utter embarassment at handling of the situation.
Once I spill the beans, the next few days become a perfect storm of mockery and humiliation. I totally deserve it.

Veterans of mediocrity: Rays Report, Game 1

Alright, it's settled: When I form a five-piece shoegazer band, we will be called The Veterans of Mediocrity. And you won't "get us" because our melodies can only be comprehended beyond the human aural spectrum. We will literally be too cool for the human race to understand. I'm fairly certain that we will wear lots of flanel, though.

Rays 6, Orioles 2
So we're one game into the 2008 baseball season, and there is a significant chance that this will be the most satisfying day of the year for Rays fans. I will not be happy with anything shy of a playoff berth, which quite simply means I will not be happy. Awesome.
Some random opening day thoughts:
• James Shields: 7 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 2 K, 3 BB.
It may have been against the worst team in division (and maybe the entire league), but Shields was damn impressive to the point where he erased any and all doubts that I had about last year being a fluke.
Rarely do you see a pitcher make a concerted effort to throw his best pitch less, but that is exactly what Shields did. By holding back on the changeup , it became an even more devastating pitch when he did throw it. No one hit him hard today.
• The pitch Eric Hinske smacked out of the park was the biggest meatball I have ever seen in the Major Leagues. Still, I wonder why so many teams are down on this guy. I mean, he was a Rookie of the Year in 2002 and clearly has talent buried somewhere those 16 exterior layers of fat. And yet, he has to survive final cuts just to make the Rays roster? Is he raping immigrant babies in his spare time? I don't get it.
• The Rays blogosphere is abuzz with talk that we are pursuing the Cubs' Matt Murton. Reason No. 1,548 why I love baseball: Fans going batshit over Matt freaking Murton. I love that people (myself included) are crazed enough to start pages-long message board discussions debating the merits of trading a possible platoon/bench player to a perennial loser. Is it wrong to take pride in insanity?
• One game in, and all those Dioner Navarro breakout projections are looking alright (3-for-4, RBI, R). Offensively, at least. Orioles broadcaster Gary Thorn made passing mention of high-ranking Rays officials and their disappointment in Navarro's game-calling ability. I was previously unaware of this apparently widespread perception.
• Bullpen watch: 2 IP, 0 R, 1 H.
It wasn't pretty, but the combination of Trevor Miller, Al Reyes and Dan Wheeler slammed the door. Already a huge step up from Camp and Orvella. For his one inning of work, Wheeler was rewarded with a 3 year, $10 million extension. No, I'm not kidding. Just shows you how bad the previous gascans have been.
• The big guns: Crawford 1-for-5, SB, RBI, R. Pena 1-for-4. Upton 1-for-4 2 RBIs.
Pena would have HR No. 1 if he hit the ball anywhere but straightaway center field. And he would have had another hit if he didn't get robbed on a frozen rope. Upton came through when it mattered. And this just in: Crawford is still fast.
• Cliff Floyd must feel like he is 175 years old on this team. Which probably isn't far from his actual age. Rounding first base on his double, you could actually hear his knees creaking through the boom mic.
• I have already ceded that Jason Bartlett will be a permanent black hole on offense, and that every hit he gets this year is just a bonus. I am more than OK with this if he plays defense.
• Please. Bring. Evan. Longoria. Up. That is all.

Diary of an Inherently Flawed Team

My column from today's paper:
Why this year's Duke Blue Devils never had a chance

It doesn't happen often, but it did Saturday. I guess college basketball experts and blind squirrels have that in common; they both find success on occasion.
They said Duke was too reliant on the outside shot - that one day, when the bombs weren't falling with quite so much frequency, the Blue Devils would struggle to compensate.And sure enough, on a day when the basket must have looked an awful lot like a pinhole to fellows named Scheyer, Paulus and Nelson, the Blue Devils had no answer. Fifteen straight misses from downtown left the Blue Devils looking about as comfortable as a vegan in a meat-packing plant.

They said Duke couldn't survive without an inside presence - that the day would come when they would need to stop the bleeding with easy buckets from the paint.And when that day did indeed come, Duke had positively no one to turn to. When the Blue Devils seemingly couldn't hit the broad side of a barn from anywhere beyond ten feet out, they couldn't even muster the muscle to break down that imaginary barrier and try something different. Meanwhile, Mountaineer Joe Alexander provided the perfect contrast at the other end, shoving right in Duke's face the very type of player it could have used.
They said Duke didn't have enough intensity on defense.This was never more apparent than it was Saturday, as the submissive Blue Devils waved their arms like bullfighters while the West Virginia ball-handlers breezed by.
They said Duke couldn't rebound.
And in an event surely orchestrated by the mocking college basketball gods, the Blue Devils surrendered 11 rebounds to a reserve guard who stood only 6-foot-2. The final tally saw Duke outrebounded 47-27.
They said a lot of things, almost all of which came to fruition yesterday. Rarely have the talking heads in the world of sports media been so right. And rarely has such a smart guy like Coach K been so wrong.
This Duke team didn't lose because it had an off game, and it didn't lose due to simple errors in execution. This team lost because it was built the wrong way from the start.
It lost because driving and dishing, while a fundamental element of any good team, can only take you so far. Especially when it's all you've got.
Taking after the NBA's Phoenix Suns - a team, by the way, which acknowledged the limitations of its old high-flying style when it traded for Shaq - Krzyzewski tried to flip basketball logic on its head.
Some people, you see, have this crazy notion that buckets are actually easier to come by when you shoot them from closer to the hoop. Coach K didn't buy into any of that nonsense.
Unfortunately for the folks in Durham, plain old reason is undefeated. And Duke is anything but.

The Great Beatles Slaughter of 2008

Idol kicks things off with a restrospective informing us that The Beatles were, in fact, pretty huge. The sad thing is that this seems to be breaking news to most of the show’s audience.

Amanda Overmyer
“Back in the USSR”
Is this even capable of singing without crouching over and assuming the hunchback position? No surprise here: the same vocals for the same rocker-type song. This time she seems even more annoying than usual. Really, she seems to shouting more than singing. It is well past time to give her the boot.
2 out of 5
Randy: Had some problems with it. Called it “pitchy,” gives her 7 out of 10.
Paula: A little sketchy at first, timing was off. “Quintessential, authentic, who you are.”
Simon: “It was predictable, a bit of a mess in parts. It’s the same thing week after week after week.”
Didn’t need the arms raised, armpit-stubble revealing moments of triumph afterward.

Kristy Lee Cook
“You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” — She picked it solely based on the title (had never heard it).
First off, what is she wearing? Cause from my view, it looks like the sort of black sequin dress that befitting a go-go dancer.She took the beginning melody out of the song with her arrangement, .then tried to make it upbeat. Seems to have a serious misunderstanding of the song. That was seriously bad. Again.
1.5 out of 5
Randy: “A little boring a little safe. Not even sure you were singing the melody and chorus right.”
Paula: “It’s the best you’ve ever looked…Take some more liberties.”
Simon: “I think you need hypnosis — You are not a good performer.” Calls it “musical wallpaper; you don’t notice it.”
The Beatles thing is new to me, she says afterward.

David Archuleta
“The Long and Winding Road”
Crap. The good Archuleta is back.
Nothing mind-blowing, but clearly better than the rest. And with that, he retakes his seat on the throne. He should win this thing.
4 out of 5
Randy: “David Archuleta brought the hotness back to the game tonight.’
Paula: “The purity of who you are and what you do is very identifiable… That challenge (of coming back) doesn’t build character, it reveals your character.”
Simon: “You were amazing. That was a master class.”

Michael Johns
“A Day in the Life”
He is really good, and it is starting to come through again. With any luck, he can overtake The Chosen One. More than enough to keep him around.
3.5 out of 5
Randy: “Wasn’t one of your good ones, baby.”
Paula: “You’ve got to raise your game.”
Simon: “The long and short of it was that is was a mess. You didn’t hit the right notes, the song went all over the place. You have got to start sorting yourself out.”
After dedicating the song to his dead friend, became significantly less likable. This sympathy mugging has to stop.

Brooke White
“Here Comes the Sun”
3 out of 5
Not as good as last week, but alright. Sticks to the standard interpretation, preventing any calamities. Inherently flawed, nothing memorable, but she’s not going anywhere just yet.
Randy: “That was really awkward for me. It never gelled together.”
Paula: “You can’t help but smile watching you.”
Simon: “I thought the performance was terrible, from the horrible dancing to the absolute lack of conviction.”
Brooke then agrees with all the critiques, admitting that it was shaky.

David Cook
“Daytripper” — the Whitesnake version
An extremely atypical performance for American Idol; loud and brash and in-your-face. He is really getting caught up in the rock star thing. The talk box thing didn’t really work, I thought. Tons of energy, though. He is my horse and I have no choice but to back him.
3.5 out of 5
Randy: “Another solid look for David Cook, I love it.”
Paula: “You’re ready to go sell records.”
Simon: “I don’t think that was as good as you thought it was. You looked a bit smug throughout. And I thought the coda in the middle was a bit stupid. You’ve lost your element of surprise, a bit.”

Carly Smithson
“Blackbird”
4.5 out of 5
She is the pro among this group. She is clearly the best and there is really nothing more to say. This slower ballad just proved even further that she has range to go along with her pipes. If there is any justice whatsoever in this show, she will win.
Randy: “Another great performance. Very nice. Very cool.”
Paula: “A capital F for fantastic.”
Simon: “Thought the song was indulgent.”

Jason Castro
“Michelle”
Kind of a sleep performance, if that makes any sense. Picked things up as the tune went on, but he remains the prototypical middle-of-the-road guy. He will hang around for a while, but definitely won’t win.
3 out of 5
Randy: “It was just alright for me. I didn’t feel like you connected with it that much.”
Paula: “It was a little uncomfortable for me. It was an intimate song that almost became a polka.”
Simon: “You’re very charming and you’re not obnoxious. You’re goofiness kind of makes it work, because it if I were just listening to that song on the radio, I would turn it off.”

Syesha Mercado (with straightened hair)
“Yesterday”
3.5 out of 5
Back on track after last week’s subpar showing. Would have liked it more if she kept the whole thing low key instead of coming with the belting, but it was subtle enough to work. Pretty good.
Randy: “Very, very, very good performance.”
Paula: “You let yourself be very vulnerable. And that is where you need to be.”
Simon: “Probably your best performance so far. It wasn’t incredible, but you chose the best song.” Liked the Eva Cassidy-type arrangement.

Chikezie Eze
“I’ve Just Seen a Face”
2.5 out of 5
Probably the only contestant who truly seems to get better every week. Too bad he started miles behind the field.
Never mind, I take back what I said about him getting better. Ugggh. That harmonica is not doing him any favors, nor is this country arrangement. Should have kept it slow or come up with a better way to bridge the two halves. He is in danger.
Randy: Liked the fast part, not the slow part. Though the harmonica was weird.
Paula: “I loved it. You did it again.”
Simon: “Thought it started off OK, and then you played the harmonica, which was a little bit atrocious. And then it turns into Achy Breaky Heart at the end. Not a song to be proud of. Thought it was gimmicky.”

Ramiele Malubay
“I Should Have Known Better”
Seems forced and robotic, though she got more comfortable as song went on. It is becoming increasingly hard to take your eyes off the 65 metric tons of lip gloss she wears each week. Needs to stick to the ballads and the belting, not the uptempo hoedown numbers.
Randy: “It was alright.”
Paula: “Definitely better than last week.
Simon: “It sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica. The problem was the track sounded terrible and amateurish. You chose a mediocre song that didn’t show the best of your ability.”

SURPRISE OF THE WEEK: Brooke White’s mediocrity
PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEK: Carly Smithson
GOING, GOING GONE: Kristy Lee Cook